Yet if I can shift my energy, I may be able to offer my child some helpful wisdom. I can quickly assess the fear in my body and remind myself that this isn’t my work to do. I can now recognize when I may be too attached to an outcome over which I have no true control. Once again, the awareness came long before the practice. I have to laugh at how, through my journey as an educator, I already understood this–but the practice of letting go and allowing continues to challenge me. Coming to the understanding that I can’t control my kids’ outcomes and they have to do the painful work of growing up was incredibly difficult–and necessary. I had to do the work of mothers who realize their children have adopted different worldviews. I also had to grieve the hopes and expectations I had for my daughter’s adolescence. What a different experience! See how it comes down to the meaning we assign to the circumstances? This is the part where we can consciously take control the meaning we assign is totally ours to decide-as long as we recognize we have this power. See how this works? And compare this response to what I described in the previous paragraph where I spun the same circumstance through the gratitude lens. Then when my own health declined as a result, I would have evidence of my assessment of this cruel and unfair world. I could feel incredibly resentful and angry at the Universe or God or whatever for the thought of being robbed of my amazing brother at such a young age (he had just turned 47 when he died in 2020.) It’s certainly understandable to assign value to these circumstances as “cruel and unfair.” I can’t imagine anyone faulting me if I were to seek comfort ( action) through self-medication with alcohol or sleeping aids. Many might find it hard to argue these are neutral circumstances, but let’s say I spun them negative. Circumstances: my brother had multiple sclerosis of the primary (and rapidly) progressive variety and after years of decline, far beyond what it was expected he could survive, he died of complications. So, maybe let’s run this through the Self Coaching Model of CTFAR as an example. And I think he’d be okay with me finding gratitude in this way, a way that encourages a healthy relationship with tragedy and inspires a higher quality of life for his loved ones (of which there are many who survived him) and the numerous caregivers whose lives he also touched. He was also a shining example of someone who understood how delicious it is to be alive and who responded to the seemingly cruel circumstances Life handed him by remaining in good humor and forming deep, meaningful relationships with the caregivers that he inspired daily to go out of their way to be in his company and help him be as comfortable as possible. It helps me put my own challenges into perspective, recognizing that everyone has their own set of problems and mine may not be as terrible as it sometimes seem to me. Does this mean I’m glad my brother suffered with and eventually died of multiple sclerosis? Of course not! But I allow myself to recognize and appreciate how much easier my life is compared to his inconceivably painful and paraplegic experience that kept him confined in a nursing home for the last few years of his short life. These losses have fostered resilience in us, showing us what we’re capable of surviving. They have also strengthened the bonds I have with my mother and siblings and contributed to the deeply loving community we share. The referenced tragedies help me appreciate my own imperfect but functioning body and its role in how I experience this Life.
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